The Love of a Brother

"Z there is nothing wrong with who you are, and I love you just the way you are.". Oh how those words just brought tears to my eyes...my amazing, wise, ACCEPTING 10 year old could teach many grown ups a much needed lesson with that wisdom!!

Sustainable Friendships

We have never intentionally hidden Z's gender creativity from friends or potential friends. Most likely if someone new has come into our life they have seen him carrying around Barbies. Most haven't felt the need to broach the subject...although I know they must be scrambling within their brains to figure it all out! Most wait until we approach the subject, which puts us in such a vulnerable spot! What are they thinking? Do they really want to pursue a friendship? Are we just the crazy circus freaks that they can't stop staring at? Will they really be able to accept us? Will they say all the right things to our faces only to turn on us when our backs are turned? Will they allow their children to play with Z without hesitation? Will they judge our parenting? Will our friendship be sustainable?

How have your friendships held up? How do you approach new friendships?

Realtives and Siblings

How does your family react to your gender creative child? Are they accepting? Do they embrace your child's uniqueness? How do your other children feel about their gender creative sibling? Are they compassionate? Are they protective? I would love to know your experiences!!! I am working on a post about mine....

Advice Needed...

Have you felt the need to tell your child's school/teacher about their gender creativity?

What did you tell them? How did you approach the subject? What were their reactions?

We are grappling with this issue as the coming school year is fast approaching....as Z has been seen by more and more kiddos sporting his toe nail polish out in the community we are concerned about the implications of that as these same children see him in school....most specifically bullying! We want to be proactive but are concerned about "outing" our child to grown ups that may not understand this journey! Z is very cautious with his gender creativity outside of our home, especially within the school environment. We want to make sure that whatever we decide it has a positive outcome.

Why?

Why does he have to be brave every time he leaves the house? Why can't he go to the library without having to worry about someone noticing his painted toes? Why can't he carry his Barbies through the store without being stared at? Why can't he ask for a doll, or a princess toy in his Happy Meal without having to defend his choice of toy? Why does he have to change out of his dress up clothes, necklaces and princess crowns because someone rings the doorbell? Why are people so mean, condescending, disdainful? He is not weird....he is not contagious...he is a little boy and he has feelings! He should not be afraid of what others will think, he should not have to be brave every time he leaves the house because his toe nails are painted!! He should be respected, accepted, carefree! Why do we live in a society where children are ridiculed simply for their choice of toy?

The Struggle with Balance

Iridescent nail polish, glittery hair sprays, sparkly headbands, cast off blouses turned into dresses, fancy purses, shiny necklaces, glittering rings, feathery boas, beautiful princess dolls, purple unicorn pillows....what most would expect to see littering the floors of countless children's bedrooms around the globe! But would you expect to see that in my house...a house filled with boys...a house where I am the only female present? Probably not...but you will! And it's all good...however the balance between acceptance and the realities of societal norms has not always been easy! Proud mom moments are not always easy to come by! It takes so much strength to journey on a path that is choked with weeds....weeds that want to pull you in a million different directions....giving you unwarranted advice on the decisions you are making...whispering snide comments that they think you cannot hear!

Caring about what other people think of me has never been a high priority in my life, but the venom in hurtful words is still painful! In all honesty it can sometimes be difficult to maintain the strength needed to leave the house with my son wearing flip flops sporting hot pink toe nail polish! Wearing toe nail polish brings such joy to Z, he loves the beauty it brings to him. I love the smiles that beauty creates on his face! I really don't care what other people think when they see his toes, but I do care that their opinions are loud enough for my son to hear. I do care that he can see the look of disdain on their faces! The sad reality, 90% of the time, these comments and stares are incited by grown ups!!! On a good day I can ignore with the best of them, but on other days it can get to you, especially when it is a friend or acquaintance I have unwittingly witnessed whispering behind their hands!

This is where I struggle with balance....between encouraging Z to be himself, but also wanting to keep him safe and protected! No one wants to see their child be ridiculed, bullied, laughed at, pointed at! But how do I explain to a six year old that mommy and daddy are secure in his uniqueness but others may not be? How do I explain the hatred and insecurities of others without making him fearful and insecure of his choices? What can I say to him when he asks me to paint his toenails for him and then I see him curling his toes up during TaeKwondo class because the confidence he had in painting them has slipped a little and he is worried what the other kids may say? Balance is a struggle!!

You are FABULOUS....

The journey of our gender non conforming son....where to start? Well...it began even before he was born, when his brother was a preschooler who had very well rounded preferences in toys...he enjoyed playing with stereotypical boy toys, however, he often times gravitated towards more stereotypical girl toys...did this bother us? Not in the least, toys are meant for playing, for imagination, for fun...why they need to be genderized is a concept we did not agree with. We decided it was much more important to embrace our son for his uniqueness, that his spirit was much more important than restricting what toys he selected for his play! Eventually as happens to all children as they grow, his interests changed and his Littlest P*t Shop toys and Do*a toys were left to collect dust in the back of the closet. Toys that now at almost 10 years old he would never admit to playing with!

In life there are underlying forces that help to steer us toward the right paths...this small piece of our son's life was just that...an underlying force set to educate us to follow our hearts...to embrace uniqueness...to prepare us for the battles we would encounter with our second son....the battle to educate others to be accepting, to put away their insecurities, to stop judging our son, our family, simply because he does not fit the preconceived molds of society!

From the moment Z could express his interests, before he could even speak consistently...he showed an increasingly obsessive interest in dolls, pink, sparkles, and princesses. When he was a year old he became completely and utterly devoted to The Little Merm*id! He worshiped Ariel and anything associated with her was coveted! So much so, that at 20 months old on a trip to Disney he eagerly and patiently stood in a very long line to meet his beloved princess! He was so excited when we reached the end of the line...but also so very shy. It took some coaxing to get him to take a picture with her, but then the most magical thing happened...Ariel gave Z a huge lipstick marking kiss right on his cheek! Oh...how he was so proud of that kiss...how he smiled for hours after that kiss...how he touched his cheek every so often to reclaim the memory!! To some this is just a boy in love with a princess, but oh how this goes so much further...you see he not only worships that princess but he wanted to be that princess too! How can we claim to know that...he was only a few months shy of being two...but he was an extremely verbal and bright little guy and was never afraid to speak his mind, never afraid to tell us he wanted to be a princess! Imaginative play? Maybe...but as our journey continues and we move forward Z's collection of Barbi*s increases, his affinity for all things sparkly and pink continues, his book and game selections are piled with Pinkalicious and Fairies, he asks to have his toe nails painted, he loves to dress up in crowns and jewels and dresses that twirl! He has piles of toys in his closet that appeal to both genders...he can play Leg*os with the best of them, he has amassed quite a collection of Batma*n sets...but in all honesty those toys don't often get much playtime...they are not coveted, they are not the first thing pulled from the shelf! What does this mean? Do we think our son is gay, gender confused, transgender?? Does it matter? No! What matters is that our son feels safe, accepted, and loved! What matters is that he is free to express himself without judgement, that above all he is HAPPY!! We do not have all the answers, we do not know what the future holds...he is after all only 6 years old! No matter what path his life takes we will love and accept him with all our hearts and we will continue to fight for his right to be respected, to never allow anyone to break his spirit through their bigoted judgements, and NEVER allow anyone to cloud his mind with doubt about his FABULOUSNESS!!